Love in the Face of Illness.

Let's talk about parenthood and cancer. Although I wanted my next post to be more lighthearted, I feel this topic weighing heavily on me and I'd love to get these thoughts out.
I had my third round of chemo yesterday. I usually go to the cancer clinic alone because it's easier for my husband to watch the kids instead of us finding a sitter. So as I sat there, sipping my tea, and letting this poison course through my body, hopefully kicking cancer cell asses, I found my thoughts turning to my 3 babies and how my family life is today. My kid's names are Phaedra, Tristan, and Audrey. They are beautiful, unique individuals, so very smart and so very kind. And bossy and sassy and so willful (ahem, I mean determined... Is that a nicer way to say willful? Lol). All I ever wanted to be was a mother. I wanted and still do want, to do SO many things, but being a mother was especially important to me. I was a single child as my brother moved out while I was very young, and coming from a dysfunctional home there was nothing I wanted more than to have my own perfect, happy family one day. I wanted my children to have a very close bond and I wanted a husband who treated us gently and with so much love. I wanted all of us to respect one another and to always love and appreciate each other. Well guess what! I got all that. Things of course are not always perfect between us, but man do we love one another.

So it's difficult now, being diagnosed with an advanced cancer. I look at my children and feel paralysed with fear sometimes that I may not get to see them grow up. Get married if they choose, have their own babies if they choose. See what they choose for a career or watch them explore the world. More so than the fear I feel for myself (which is minimal, to be honest- kind of an interesting topic for another time), I fear what kind of emotional trauma would my kids go through losing a parent? Thankfully we know how resilient children are. But it still hurts me to think of them experiencing such a loss, so young.

On the other side, I know there's a chance I might go into remission! And how amazing would that be. But on the off chance if that doesn't happen I am trying so desperately to savour every moment I have with them. We take lots of pictures together and I thought of starting a journal for them, sharing my thoughts and love with them. Words and pictures to always remember me. I feel it shouldn't take a life threatening illness to start savouring the moments with your children, but the reality of it is we all take the little things for granted sometimes. We're all only human. We may lose sight of how precious it is to see a toddler's gentle smile when they find their favourite toy, or how we get frustrated with them for waking up in the middle of the night. Or how comical they can be. My 2 year old son just walked into the wall because he wasn't paying attention and said, "oh- wall...hi." And it made us laugh so hard. I realized our laughter came more from a place of appreciation for our son's goofy personality than the actual act itself.

So yes, it hurts so much. The thought of having to part ways with the babies you nurtured inside of you for 9 months and share a deep part of yourself with. It's difficult wanting nothing more than to play with them and carry them around and be there 100% in mind, body, and spirit. But you can't when you're going through chemotherapy or healing from surgery. Your brain can get so cluttered with appointments, not too mention the nagging fatigue or endless waves of nausea. We are not quite the same as we used to be before cancer came slyly and unsympathetically into our lives. And it effects our parenting to a point. Or this is my experience anyway.

I feel so accomplished in this part of my life. The family I always wanted; a soft spoken home with gentle hands. To leave it anytime soon is devastating. But what I do vow is to try my hardest to be there as fully as possible for my children. And to them I promise to never give up this fight. I am determined to be here for them for a very long time still and they are my will to live. Right now I'm laying in bed listening to them run around like the little crazy people that they are and it's wonderful. Their laughter and noise is beautiful to listen too. Ofcourse soon they'll be up here crawling all over us and demanding dessert right before bed (they already had dessert) and I'll be so looking forward to bedtime for them! Lol.

I know other parents may have similar feelings or thoughts about what it's like to be a parent living with a disease (any disease, not just cancer) and I'd love to hear them. Support is important and simply having an ear to talk to, someone who gets it, can mean all the difference sometimes. Feel free to leave a comment or share your thoughts. <3

"When you moved, I felt squeezed with a wild infatuation and protectiveness.
We are one.
Nothing, not even death, can change that."
Suzanne Finnamore